When Power Strikes

The interaction and play of energies peak often when a drama unfolds. One of the dramas is such a difficult lesson that quite a few souls embark on the path of learning and growing through it. I know the makings of this drama intimately for one reason alone, I've chosen this scenario for my own growth and learning and live to tell of it.

The central topic of this drama I am about to describe has to do with power. This is the moment when ego, the lower self grabs hold of knowledge that has come to a person from the higher self. The ego seizes that knowledge and begins to puff itself up with it. To be in this state is quite a powerful feeling. It looks and feels as if one has truly hit "jackpot", ie. NOW the higher self is in charge. Alas, in all reality, this isn't so. The lower self gives itself airs of being the voice of the higher self, it's pretending to be all enlightened and powerful and the person to which this drama "happens" doesn't see anything other than the pure divine purpose of their existence. It is thus very difficult to navigate life and especially exchanges with other people while living in this state of illusion. Truly, it does feel very real when you're in it and no matter what anyone around you says, it's instantly dismissed, turned around, distorted to the point of "I'm right and divine - they just don't "get" it."

When this happens, the lower self  (ego) really gets a kick - it wants to change the world, for truly it feels so very divine and powerful. It loses all perspective to who it really is (the ego) and it gives the person in this drama many good feelings, which are so absolutely not in line with the feedback that keeps coming from the outside. That's startling, but swiftly swept under the rug, for it cannot be that the good feelings I have are not truly straight from the heavens. (divine, super, absolutely unique and special, just depicting my own grandness). THIS is what it must feel to be hooked up, irrevocably in tune with the whole universe - this and nothing less than this. Yes, those were in part my thoughts at the time when I experienced this drama.

There comes the mirror at some point, from the outside, which shows clearly that which is going on inside. It is the response from the people I touch. It has to be that way, for this is how this existence in this body works. For the benefit of everyone involved, we learn this way - we get to see the truth of our inside state in how we experience the outside world. In my case, I felt that everyone was against me (I was against me, my ego was ruling me and taking over). I felt that they didn't know anything and I knew everything (I didn't know anything that was going on). I felt they were all truly blind to the truth. (I was truly blind to the truth). I felt they were dangerous and about to take over the world (I was on the way in my state of megalomania to attempt the change of the world and besides my ego had taken over my inner world).

And so it went... I projected my state freely onto others, blaming them exactly of what was true for myself, thus denying that truth, instead of looking at my projections. Needless to say, that was quite a "dark" sort of time in my life and I realized only afterwards what damage lay in my wake. The end of this episode for me was self-destructive. I actually nearly chopped off the tip of my index finger (yeah the one I had used so full of myself whilst pointing at others). I am thankful it was self-destructive, for it could have resulted in the destruction or harm towards others. It was easier to bear that pain on my own body.

That last act of the power running me and my life, that injury I had inflicted onto myself had the result of snapping me out of it. I am grateful that it had that effect, for the sobering was very painful. It took me months to sort it all out, it took many plates full of humble pie. The shame I had experienced was almost not bearable and the weight of the responsibility that hit me the moment I realized what I had done and caused was an incredible burden. Needless to say, I had weathered the storm and those around me, well, lets say, I know who my true friends are now (those few that put up with my process and remained).

Since then, I have on and off mused over why I had to go through this, what was the purpose ? Was it just a freak accident thing, just a reflection of my inability to wield my own power in a sane manner? What was the gift in it all? True, I've since learned to recognize my ego much keener and I will deal with it swiftly should it try such a stunt again (chuckles). But these days, observing in others the same energetic make up of what I had gone through made me realize that I understand fully what is going on. I see the energetic signature of the drama, the essence of it. It doesn't matter that the details are not quite the same. The essence is. I see that the greatest gift I have received for going through such a drama is incredibly beautiful. It is the ability to love that soul who has given itself the same test/learning experience unconditionally - it has given me knowing and compassion.

I am entirely grateful and wouldn't miss that ugly ride one bit. It is part of who I am today.