After many attempts of pushing away the unwanted stuff, I have to admit that no matter how strongly I have pushed against the unwanted, I have not managed to make it go away. I haven't managed to fully forget either. Even the greatest and most noble attempts of living in a sense of active forgiveness have only produced mediocre results. I found that even in the best efforts given, there comes that moment where the old, unwanted moment, the old memory or what have you, pops back up to grin at you with that wicked smile. It's just not gone altogether.
When something is attempted a number of times in various ways and it does not produce the wanted result, it is time to shift. I have a tendency to shift 180° and try out the opposite of what I have been doing. It seems to be my nature. Hence, I've gone all out and decided that that which I have been trying to forget, get rid off, or simply deny, is a part of me. It's an experience that has caused me to be the me I am today. It's an integral part of me that I had been trying to push away just because it was unpleasant. It goes without saying that pushing away a part of who I am, just isn't going to work.
Instead, I'm finding it rather easy to view the unpleasant events as something that needs to be integrated, embraced, allowed to exist within the totality of who I have become because of it. This thought relaxes me deeply. I yield, I allow, I embrace, I accept and I become whole through it. The cramping energy of wanting something to go away can relax along with my embrace and I feel myself expand to become that which I already am. I become that which I have previously allowed plus that which I have erroneously tried to do away with. Through this act of allowing, I release remnants of resistance and embrace myself in the totality of who I am - I touch upon my true self and that always feels good.
