Saturday, July 2, 2011

Where is my Tribe?

There is a development making itself known these days, possibly triggered by the massive energy surges I was speaking of earlier. This sensation isn't new. It has been with me for as long as I can remember. It's that yearning to be with "my tribe" of people. A friend of mine has expressed this very same longing and I've had no real answer to give. In compassion and sympathy we were able to commiserate and support each other for a bit, but that was all. The peoples of our relative tribes haven't shown up since then, and I believe they haven't shown up for a long time. In fact, aside from some stragglers, some loners like myself, they haven't shown up at all.

It is with some sense of futility that I've laid even that last "tribe" that I've tried to belong to, aside. It's not my tribe. Yes, I'm a homeopath, qualified too, yes, I do believe that with homeopathy I am able to help heal people (animals, plants...) and yes, I feel a kinship with other homeopaths and my alma mater. I cannot say, that they are my tribe though. I do see how they interact with each other, all tribal and connected, I cannot level with them on their tribal playing field. I know and feel that I'm connected with everyone, that's not the question for me. What I am feeling again, sporadically, in cycles, is that sense of "lone wolf".

In the past, this feeling would have thrown me into a spell of depression, or it's compensatory state, a time of seeking company, parties, just not to be alone. Today, I'm approaching this sense of being utterly alone in my world, despite knowing and feeling the oneness of all that is, with a sense of wonder. The training as a homeopath is helping me here. I am observing without prejudice, the state I am in. I give it no judgment. I give it no qualification. I do not determine whether this state is right or wrong. It just is. The pattern of my experience is unfolding with well known precision. In observing it, with the curiosity of a child, I am able to take the sting out of the situation. It's ok, to experience this state for that which is really is. My "tribe" (if there even is such a thing), the people or souls of my group are not in my immediate environment, here incarnated, here in my home town. They just simply are not here. It is to a degree that I have chosen this experience, since it does not allow me to fully hook into any particular identification. I know homeopathy for example, I practice homeopathy, my identity however is not "homeopath". And so it goes with all my different qualifications. I am NOT any of them. My identity is not "mother", nor is it "sister", nor "friend" or "neighbor" (I do have friends and neighbors and they are very dear to me). My identity isn't even the "higher self", whose name I know. It is none of that. My identity just isn't definable and I can see only one reason for this at present time: I am not to stay in one role for any length of time, but fluctuate between many roles, wear many hats, the right hat at the right time ... that kind of scenario.

There are bits that grow really tired of all that seeming inability to "stick with something". I also don't want to see myself as commitment-phobic. It appears that to fully live as a "Jack-of-all-trades", I have to allow myself to be nothing at all.