Saturday, April 30, 2011

From Doing to Being

I'm sitting here, concentrating so very hard, trying to say something of value. Value is a fickle thing, for I do not know what would be valuable for anyone. Writing just to have written seems a bit pointless. Still, words are inside me and they somehow want to come out. To what end, I do not know. I have to walk through this in total blindness, but ultimately, so I have been told, everything boils down to oneself. Perhaps this is just a string of therapeutic blurbs that I send out into virtual space, for others to either read or delete. It is almost a question of "why am I here?" - It goes deep within me and in all love for myself and others, I cannot come up with a witty thing to say, nor with a wise one that hasn't already been said.

I decide instead to just flow with it, I decide that all I truly have to do is go about this as empty as I possibly can, for every time, I try to come up with a theory, it seems rather ridiculous and after all, most of the times, my theories for myself are but smoke and dreams. Then, I am facing again the task of letting everything go. They are all preconceived ideas. It looks like it is time for me to get spiritually naked so to speak in order to let that which wants to be here within me just be that which it is, without my conscious knowledge.

This, rather than setting myself a beacon that I follow, a hypothesis that I have to somehow prove to myself, I change course. I switch from my more comfortable spot of power (doing/masculine side) to the place of love (being/feminine side) and know intuitively that I will not let go of all power, for that I cannot do. My whole life, my essence brought the wind of power. It is now time evidently to let go, to surrender to embody love in addition to power. Its not all too foreign, but the passivity of it is quite unnerving for one as myself.

I wish to give expression to my wind of power by just running and dancing, it feels like it's time to celebrate - at the same time, I want to just curl up and go to sleep, join myself in my own dreams. This is quite a tension of opposites and I experience both simultaneously. No matter, I do understand by going about it just one step at a time, the correct step you know, yes the one that presents itself to me at any given moment. I am in this state of zen where it is ok not to take a step and it is also ok to potentially take a step. Words do fail me. I cannot truly explain how this experience of my essence plays out into my reality and that is alright as well.

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