Sunday, December 5, 2010


For a number of years now, I've observed how conflict begins. I have started conflicts that way, I have lived through conflicts that were started that way and I have observed a pattern. Most conflicts (if not all?) begin because there is a judgment.

I want to look at the word judgment and see how it is defined. There are a number of meanings to the word judgment. One is "common sense", the next one is "decision about blame" and the third I have found is "doom or fate". One could argue that "common sense"-type of judgments are allowed and even necessary and therefore need not to be looked at. One could say that the only judgment that causes conflict has to be the one meaning "decision about blame". I would agree, that this latter form of judgment possibly almost always starts a conflict, even if the other party/ies involved do not respond and therefore extinguish the flame of potential conflict right away. However, I have experienced, that even the "common sense" type of judgmental comments do cause conflict. Bottom line is, that this form of thinking and acting is possibly on the way out. I think it needs to be on the way out, if we want to morph into a society propelled by our hearts. The 14th Dalai Lama's message has been "compassion" for a very long time now. I do believe that he is very correct. While I hold the focus on judgment and shed some light on it's energy, I understand the compassion that meets any judgment to be an expression of "permissiveness".

In the Solar Plexus dominated way of physical life, this kind of permissiveness could not really rise into a popular way of thinking. Rules and regulations have to be in place, or we'd have anarchy, right? - Permissiveness in raising children has surfaced in the 60s, then the 70s, and was soon critisized very harshly. Today, thanks to many children who have come to throw energetic curveballs at the "system", even the most authoritarian and judgmental parents get a crash course in how to embrace letting those little rascals be who they are. I am currently being raised (at least in frequency) by one of those infamous indigo children and she's doing a fantastic job showing me at every step of the way, how my judgment, how my sense of right and wrong meets her rebellious nature. I see that my rolemodeling of being compassionate and permissive results in surprising feats of self-assurance, trust, self-confidence and independence. On top of it, my "outrageous" teenager is humbled by my compassion. It has clearly the very opposite effect to the one I have feared so long, i.e. that she would just simply go haywire and "out-of-hand". The idea that another person could or should be controlled by making judgments on their innermost essence is in all reality preposterous.

I do believe in "you reap what you sow" and I realize that the more compassionate permissiveness I express from the center of my heart, the better my reaped results are. It starts within our closest families and from there the practice of this kind of compassion can ripple out into the world. A heart based society will not need the judgment, it will not need the attachment to being right. It will thrive on being compassionate, permissive and accepting if not understanding of another's processes, experiences and viewpoints at any given time.

This raises a question for me. "What do we do with the "misfits" òf society, those who decide not to move into their hearts, or those who just simply choose a later date for their development?" I see this as the challenge of this time we are in. I see the excitement of this difficult mix of ideas, understandings, frequencies etc. I do believe that each person has the right to do what it takes to keep themselves safe. The right to choose who they are talking to and the right to be who they are. We cannot help but see judgment on ourselves from outside. It usually hurts, or it stings a bit at least. In the understanding that our experience of our world is really but a mirror of our own inner worlds, I cannot omit to mention that we really owe it to ourselves to extend this permissive compassion to ourselves as well (or foremost). After having lived in a judgmental sort of way for a number of years (decades?) it may take a bit of practice to achieve this kind of compassion, but I think it is important that we become aware of each judgment we pass, on ourselves or others and replace it with acceptance and compassion more and more, until it becomes second nature not to judge. 

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