It has become quite a rhythm now. I sit here daily thinking of what to write next and I am realizing that I don't really know what would be the "right" thing to write about. As I throw out the potential wisdom of my experiences and epiphanies out there for you to read, I am often wondering what, if anything, comes of it. Of course, I do know that this curiosity comes from a place of ego. My ego says: "Might as well know what you're working for and get some acknowledgment"! - Truth is, in all reality, I don't really need acknowledgment in order to continue writing. (PS: or so I thought as i was beginning to write this post!)
Of course, it's nice if folks read this and then tell me that they really liked what I had to say, there's no denying that. These are but mere pats on the back for the ego. So how can I go about not needing these pats for my overall well being? I find that there is still attachment within me to the "outcome" of my actions. In the last 30 years, I have worked "behind the scenes" so to speak and helped gear this planet and the people for the shift in consciousness. It wasn't just work, I had ample opportunity to learn and grow myself, which was evidently part of the overall deal.
One thing that eluded me to this day, is the joy of seeing a work complete and be recognized for it. I will want to figure out as to why that is. Is it simply a lesson in humbleness? Could it be, that I am just not recognizing my own skills ? Does it even matter, if what I do is recognized ? Could it potentially be recognized by others, but that fact never reaches my awareness? Oh, that last one is a good one - there are a number of life times, where I experimented with that one - Recognized, but only after death? Recognized but nobody ever told me ? Recognized, but I was too much of a recluse to notice ? ... Yeah, the list goes on as I am flooded with images from back when...
Since I am holding the belief, that my experience here on Earth is based on what I believe, I have got to take responsibility for myself and look within. There is no room to blame anyone besides myself and I even shirk away from that self-blame game, for it serves no real purpose other than to dramatize the events. What remains is a deep seated sensation of: "If there is recognition, you will not see it, don't deserve it, it could cause power to take ahold of you!" Yes, there is a warning against the potential of the ego to puff itself up and play hero...hmmmm been there... yeah! lesson learned !
So it is fear of ego taking over, of power getting ahold of me that does not allow me to take in any recognition for my skills. I'm actually glad it's not about "recognition isn't needed on this planet" or something like that - for I believe recognition is actually a lot like being loved - quite necessary to carry on doing what one is doing so well. Since the actual pattern that keeps recognition from reaching my awareness is nestled a bit within other stuff, I'm going to check and see if I can isolate the main sensation. I can tell that all I want is "the right amount" of recognition, not too much, not too little - but what is that right amount? I believe that level to be in synch with how much recognition I can give myself. Dang - it always boils down to something I do to myself!!... Onward then - let's fix it !
I check the online Thesaurus for the anthonym of "recognition" and lo and behold - i found my pet peeve number 1 "ignorance" ...isn't that just swell ?? 2 flies with one hit! - Now it becomes clear why I get so insanely irritated when I find ignorance sneaking across my field of experience! So the very thing that I hate most is what I am doing to myself ...ok - got it !
I am now viewing various incidents in my life which contributed and cemented this belief that I am not to be recognized - (happens automatically for me to see those connections - I guess strange neurological connections come in handy some times). Fact is, that I've ignored my worth, the wealth of wisdom and insight that I have heaped onto my plate over eons and not given it proper amounts of recognition. (I most certainly have given it improper amounts of recognition at times - some long time friends can attest to that !)
I must check what else is hindering me to give myself the proper amounts of recognition. I have already found the fear of ego taking me for a ride (fear of getting full of myself). There is also a fear of random people talking to me because they recognize me for who I am and what I'm capable of. (I am a notorious introvert - so go figure). During my inner work, I weigh the importance of these fears. Both have had their place when I was younger. Now, in the age of purple hats and such, I feel it is time to shed these shackles, for they have kept me hidden for a long time. I feel a need, that is building deep within - a need to be seen (yikes ! who would have thought!!).
So for one I meet the fear of being seen, of having people talk to me because they see me. Yes, the fear is there, it is understandable why it is here - but it no longer serves a purpose in line with my authentic self. I gently let it go - I bid farewell to this fear by intending to be seen anyways and most of all by giving myself recognition here on the spot and then every day a bit. The lesser concern of becoming an egotistically full of myself person again is not very large, for I've been there, seen what it does and feel that I would recognize if this one would rear it's head (or my very good friends will let me know for certain!). Yes, folks, I think I can now risk it - risk to be seen and with that intention I feel something deep within shifting, something else coming alive - a light has switched on and I'm just ever so curious to witness the manifestation of this personal shift.