Friday, October 8, 2010

The Vision (and it's Consequences)

I've got big dreams for this blog - I have the vision to see it go viral - one day! - It's actually a really big wish of mine.I've thought about this wish for a number of days now and the one most hindering belief has reared it's head. It shouts out at me now whenever I feel this urge to wish for my blog to be read world wide. (11 countries and counting!) It tells me: "Nobody listens to me anyways".

Since I'm following my innermost guidance every day with my posts I am not going to shirk away from this journey now. I'm really committed to write whatever comes through me ! Well, I got the message yesterday afternoon, that I am to document how I travel through the steps of turning this belief into it's polar opposite to then see what comes of my wish (creation) about this blog going viral...Yikes! I'm really a private person. I'm really uncomfortable to a degree to share my inner work with the world but hey, if that's what it takes to reach my goal, then so be it -

I have known for a very long time, that part of my innermost make up is to share things through communication. I was born when the sun was almost half way into the sign of Gemini - 13 ° (for the Astrologers among you) - That's a position of very little "cusp" (adjoining signs and influences) anywhere for my sun - It's Gemini for certain! The ruling planet of Gemini is Mercury - Hermes is associated to this image as well. Hermes, the winged messenger !...MESSENGER.... yes that's who I am when I ask myself: Who am I? (the question to ask to see what your sun sign tell you.... ). Another word for this would be "Troubadour" - My personal Aura Soma Bottle that hasn't changed in decades is Green over Purple - containing the bottle Blue over Blue, which is the Throat Chakra Bottle, the Communication Bottle. I have signs in my life all over the place that confirm this one thing - I am to tell things with words - I am to bring a message. (Don't worry,  I will not get into gospels of any kind now.)

You see, communication is vital for me. Now imagine this vital need for communication being met with the experience of "nobody listens to me". Pretty dismal set-up in my opinion.

It began really early in my childhood, where I wanted to share what I saw in my world. The one continous message I received from my mother in particular was: "You and your imagination!" - I think on some level, she meant to enforce in me, that imagination is a good thing and that I should possibly use it for creativity ... but soon, it became something that felt like: "please be quiet (or shut up !), I am tired of hearing about this" - So around age 4, I quieted down and kept things to myself. It was safer that way. The belief that nobody (at 4 mom is "everybody" after all!) listens or wants to hear what I have to say took hold. It was strong, because it went against who I truly was. A Gemini who doesn't talk ?... Give me a break!

Oh, I talked alright, just not about what I felt was important, to me, to the people around me. I felt weird, an outsider, outcast even. The glasses I received at age 10 didn't help much either. Of course, today I can see that the experience of being weird, an outsider, outcast is but a reflection of how weird, outside of my own true nature I was, that my world had to show it to me every day. I had outcast myself  by not being true to who I am!
As I look back into my childhood, I see that I reinforced my creation of "Nobody listens" each time somone didn't care to stick around to hear my tales ... These incidents are many and painful for me, but they are what drove the initial belief deeper and deeper. I can see how it formed me into a person I really wasn 't. (a person nobody wanted around).

As I review this part of my life, I can see that there was one person who listened to me when I was 15. He was fascinated with what I had to say and I instantly fell in love with him - go figure, he listened! To this day, he listens and is a very dear friend of mine. So there was the exception to my rule - a gem in a troubadour's wasteland. I am filled with gratitude for the hours spent musing and talking with this dear soul.

So I let my mind wander through my youth and see that many things were painful, many things were really quite wrong, but whenever I was about to despair (I did mention that I was quite dramatic once?) there would be someone put in my path who could give me that little bit I craved in order to go on. I think I was quite depressed most of my teens and this may very well have been a core reason why.

I do not believe that going through each painful incident is necessary. I experience that looking at the essence of what went on is good enough. So for today, I will end my post with these conclusions:

- I hold the belief of "Nobody listens to what I have to say".
- I take responsibility for having created life long experiences to confirm this belief, thus reinforcing the belief.
- I take responsibility that my (somewhat ongoing) experience of being weird and outcast is a direct reflection of my not being true to who I am at my core.
- I acknowledge the positive traits that have been born through this experience, which are that I have come to believe that at the darkest point, I am granted a bit of light to carry on. When I look further, I see that ultimately, it has given me the trait of being able to keep things to myself, despite a great urge to share.
- I acknowledge that having experienced the "penultimate" pinnacle of "I am not who I am", I may potentially lead to the full realization of who i truly am.
- I know that this belief holds the full potential of "Everybody listens to what I have to say" (some fear here I admit) and subsequently will align me with who i truly am - a Troubadour.

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