Drama

Dramas unfold every day anew. Dramas get played out in our lives, on the silver screen and on TV. Turn your head, let it swipe across the landscape of your life and what do you see? - I bet a whole lot of drama. If I look into my past (not even too distant), there is a whole lot of drama. Way back in my youth, drama was the only way I could even feel myself to be alive. Drama had a very specific purpose for me. It allowed me to intensify every situation to the outermost point of extremity. In that, my life became instantly quite wild, quite special - dramatic. I'm pleading "guilty" for creating this intensity starting with my very first breath, as I was whisked away from my mom who went straight into surgery and it wasn't until hours later that I was finally put into her arms to then nurse and take in the after effects of her anaesthesia. The gift for and tendency towards drama came to me straight from my personality (Enneagram type 4). If I wasn't so entirely shy and afraid of people, I would have made a great actress, but alas, the stage is not where it's at for me. This meant that although I had the gift of acting out, I had no outlet other than real life. I apologize here for all the drama that I have caused in other peoples' lives, just out of sheer necessity to let my personality play and to feel alive.

I have since my earlier years made great steps towards cutting drama out, where it isn't strictly necessary (is it ever necessary?). I am still drawn into drama occasionally, but I manage at least to notice when that happens and remove myself from it again. My greatest teacher for this process has actually been my daughter, who by the way is drawn to the stage like a moth to the light. She too came with personality type 4 to mirror me every second of every day, until I would become clear enough and authentic enough, bring in the higher self more and more to fulfill the other desire of this personality type which is "being special, being individual". I used to want to create this sense of individuality, and being special by the very dramas that I created in my life. Oh, I was special, I was especially tiresome to most of my friends and am puzzled still, at how much love they showed for me that they didn't dump me like a hot potato - truly I must have been the royal pain....you know where. (oops - drama !)

After this confession and "ownage", let's move on to the point where I tell of how I managed to eliminate drama from my life. Well, I can't say it was really my own doing. As with every spoiled child, figure out the currency and withdraw that and the behavior will change. My very best friend did that deed for me. She simply stopped interacting with me. From one moment to the next, she had had enough of me, of my falseness that played out in my dramas, which I kept dumping on her, in the hopes of getting sympathy, the feeling of being special and more, in the hopes that if I was miserable enough, I would never lose my friend, for she'd feel sorry for me. Well, that went sour real fast! - She stopped feeling sorry for me, she realized that I needed a dose of heavy duty tough love and that's what she gave me. I suffered, I kicked and screamed, I cried and didn't comprehend a thing. After being dramatic long enough with this, I had tired and gave up. I simply just relaxed and gave up. At that point, I gave up not only (potentially) her friendship, I gave up the need to be special, the need to do drama, I stripped myself of all the false beliefs that I had built up so carefully, I stripped myself of the little "I" that was but a mask, a farce. I had been "seen" by my best friend and she wasn't going to settle for the little "me" - I have no idea what she wanted, if she was conscious of her move, or whether it was entirely intuitive - we never really discussed this, it isn't necessary. Bottom line is, I gave up drama. Drama wasn't worth losing my friendship over, and I didn't know if my friend was going to ever talk with me again. I really didn't know.

Anyways, I faced myself, possibly for the very first time consciously and what I saw was not really pretty. The long and lasting trails of my dramatic life passed before my inner eye as the memories would not stop. I had to own each and every drama as my creation. I had to allow that it was MINE. Nothing was done to me because I was a victim - it was my creation and I had to buckle under and take responsibility for each and every little thing. There is actually a place when you run out of tears and believe me, it's a good place to be. That very sobering place when all the masks are being pulled away, when you're stripped of all pretense. Oh, it's possibly the most vulnerable place ever, yet there is strength. There is the light of the higher self, waiting to take on the show from here on out. There is the glory of the earthly gift of humor. It set in at the outermost point, when the shame and grief, the guilt and the remorse had hit it's ultimate extreme point (for me). And I began laughing. I laughed so hard, about all the silly drama that I had caused, created, initiated, fell into, had perpetuated ...etc. I saw the silliness of it all from one moment to the next.

You could think that at that point I was cured of drama and would never do it again. Far from it. As a lifelong drama addict, I was pulled into drama the very next chance. Had to pull myself out of it again. It took days, weeks even, before I could realize quicker and quicker what it felt like being in the drama place, before I could struggle myself out of it. I found that laughing out loud at the moment of recognition helped a lot. I became my own greatest joke! It's been a few years now and still there are drama moments that I get drawn into, but they are less and less. I am not sure, with my personality, that I will ever be free from drama, but hey, I'm quite proud of myself for this achievement, for drama clouds your authenticity. Drama isn't real authentic emotion. Drama is always artificial. Drama is a cover-up for emotional cowards like myself, who feel too vulnerable to feel the real raw emotion. Drama has been my friend for many years. It has been my protector, my shield, my mask. I bow to drama for it's role in my life. I bow to my friend who made me a better (almost) drama free person.

I am open to dialogue about drama.