Just when I thought, I've become as close to who I feel I am inside, just then, when I thought: "Man, you're really authentic now!" I had to eat humble pie again. There, in the depth of my innards was an unrecognized bit... let me tell you the story on how I came to find it.
A while back, I've found archetypes. Looking at archetypes allowed me to get a clearer idea what my talents meant and how they would possibly need to be expressed, or lived. I found 3. The High Priestess appealed to me, the Healer and the Bohemian. I truly live quite a bohemian lifestyle. I ask myself sometimes whether I am doing my kids no favor by omitting to be a role model of how one "goes to work" every morning. I choose to stay at home instead, even though being self-employed does have it's scary side, especially, when that Healer archetype - talent, just doesn't seem to draw in enough to live on.
Whenever something isn't quite right, or doesn't fill me with that distinct glow of satisfaction, I take a closer look at it (after procrastinating and pushing it away for a bit of course...ok, ok, I push it away a lot, because I don't really want to take a closer look, because what I may find may not be so nice... ). So I finally had enough of the "drought", enough of not knowing why people don't come in droves and run in my practice. I'm a good homeopath, I know my trade well. I have confirmation of that with almost every case. That's not the problem. What I did find, was that my archetype isn't "Healer" after all. I imagine a true healer to be driven by an overwhelming sense to want to relieve suffering in the world - mainly physical suffering. I am no such healer. Oh, I do have compassion and I don't like to see people suffer. But my first inclination is to "fix" the state they are in, for I look beyond the physical body, beyond the suffering, With almost x-ray like vision I hone in to see the underlying state of what ails people and busy myself to find a way to set things right again. It's a drive to create harmony. My new archetype comes close to "piano tuner"...or something like that. I love harmony. I love harmony in music and peoples' energies are music to me. So as the piano tuner tunes the instrument, truly with love, I see myself going about the business to do just that with people. The fact that greater health ensues by being more "in tune" with the song of the essence, is but a lucky side effect.
Now that I have discarded the mantle of "healer", I feel sadness at first, for I have believed myself to be one. I am not a healer in a traditional sense, but I am capable of making dissonances disappear in people. Perhaps it is time that the modality of homeopathy found it's way into the realm of personal transformation and spiritual development.
As I am writing this, I feel again the glow of rightness expand through my heart. It is as if a chord has been struck, it sounds harmonious. I am very interested in lending a hand whenever folks wish to transform and clear themselves of the dissonant tunes within themselves. I am capable of doing so and perhaps there is just no job title for my talent yet - perhaps I'll find one and if not, I may just invent it.
Bottom line is, the journey towards full authenticity is ongoing, rest stops are allowed, but when the experience of my world around me leaves something to be desired, then it's time to take a hard look at the reasons why things aren't flowing according to my wishes. The actual inner work may take on as many expressions as there are people. For those who are practically enclined, just find a quiet spot with some quiet time and ask yourself : "Why am I experiencing this in a way that doesn't fulfill my desire?" Then follow your intuition to the reasons why. Don't stop at the first insight, do keep going until you get the full picture - and then, bring it into waking awareness, make changes in your life according to what you have learned and put on that new more authentic cloak. I for one am very curious to see how my revelations change my experience in this reality. What a ride !