I've pondered today, unable to form a clear thought that I believe would fit into my blog.Life is quiet. The November weather plays its part. All family members quietly do their own thing. Here, it's not a day of great excitement or sharing. It's a quiet day. The task, the contract that I feel I have entered into to write a blog post every day seems heavy. It feels like wading through mud while wearing flip flops. There is a sense of responsibility, it's wrestling with the desire to procrastinate. Some days, words just jump at me and ride the post right to its end. On other days, like today, Spirit is quiet. In those moments of quietness, of seemingly vast and endless space in my heart, in my inner world, nothing peeks above the threshold into my consciousness. Oh, well, not really true, some small musings, a word, flitting through the vast and empty landscape of my quiet mind. The word was "doubt".
It can be, that such vast and empty quietude brings doubt. It used to be like this for me, when Spirit ceased its directions, when helpers decided that I could walk on my own now. Self-empowered ! I let the events of the last week pass in my memory and I realize that today is such a moment. I am self-empowered. I have nobody who tells me what to do or how to do it. I feel a remainder of self-doubt. It's small, it's still there and I grab hold of it for a moment, I want to consciously perceive it. It says to me in a very small voice: "you haven't created anything massively different since your moment of power - what's up ?" I realize that the voice is really speaking the truth. It used to reiterate my delusions to me, but this time, I cannot argue with it. It's true - I haven't won the lottery, even though I did buy a ticket (it greatly increases the chances to win I'm told). I haven't been able to change anything in my world, I've been rather grumpy actually. So the voice goes: "What if this is all just illusion? This self-empowerment stuff... this creating of one's own reality thing?"
I let the voice of doubt bring up all it's little comments and notions. They're there anyways, whether I let them have their say or not, so might as well let the process unfold. Doubt pushed down just keeps eroding self-esteem from beneath. It's better to know what one is up against in my opinion. What Doubt doesn't know yet (or just hasn't figured out yet) is that I have it's antidote. I do listen to Doubt, because sometimes, it isn't doubt at all, sometimes the what I believe to be Doubt, is the inner voice that tells you to steer away from something and it would be good to heed it's advice. Just not all the time. Most of the time, doubting Thomases around the world will know this, Doubt is just that - Doubt - doubting everything that could be valuable, everything that could bring one a bit closer to that point of self-empowerment. Doubt has the ability to cripple a person severely.
I have found it's antidote a long time ago and I believe it still works. Some very wise person once asked me: " Have you ever doubted Doubt?"
If you experience many doubts in your life and cannot differentiate them from your inner voice of warning, which may sound so very much like doubt, begin to ponder that question. Have you ever doubted Doubt ? If not, give it a try - for if you doubt Doubt, it will quickly lose it's grip, stop chewing on your roots of power and all that's left is the true messages of warning that should be heeded, for these are not Doubt, even if they look like it.